Anger and Forgiveness

Yesterday I read this article by Harriet Brown, and was moved. 

Like Harriet, I have been angry for a while, and didn’t know what to do to get my joy back. I tried talking to the husband about it, but we always ended up in a huge brawl. I talked to my mum about it, she advised to ask for the “fruits of the spirit”. The church echoed the same thing.

This article really helped me.  I now see things in a different perspective.  I am a lover of Christ, a bible believer, I believe God answers prayers, BUT in the case of anger and forgiveness, I now realize that praying for the hurt to “disappear” is foolish, ignoring the pain is harmful.  I have to embrace the hurt, and CHOOSE my response to it.

In the article, the following stood out for me:

1.       “Forgiveness is at heart a choice, one that any of us can make at any time, no matter the "content" we're wrestling with.”

]

2.       “Forgiveness doesn't mean rationalizing or condoning abuse. And forgiveness doesn't mean a sudden case of amnesia.”

3.       "Forgiving enabled me to realize I could create my own path," she says. "I wasn't just plopped down on this cruddy path I had to walk the rest of my life. I was in control."

4.        “Forgiveness, I begin to see, is not about pretending you don't feel angry or hurt. It's about responding out of kindness rather than rage. It's about letting yourself feel the full spectrum of emotions—grief and anger and hurt, but also kindness and compassion. Even toward someone who's hurt you deeply.”

5.       "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that things will turn out other than they did. Is there any place in your inner life where you can't accept that things happened as they did?”

Today I admit that I have been angry and bitter for a long time. Angry at:

1.       Myself for spending so much time “waiting to be married” after dating the same guy for 7 yrs,

2.       Myself for embracing the notion that a woman is incomplete without a man,

3.       Myself for being caught in the deceptive cultural web of marriage being the next step in a woman’s life after college education,

4.       Myself for not being courageous enough to break the relationship long before it got to this point,

5.       Myself for allowing me to be so consumed by a bad relationship, unmet expectations, and all that come with it,

6.       The society (Nigerians especially, including me) for making unmarried women feel like they are defective,

7.       Myself for expecting so much from marriage (such as being loved, taken care of, e.t.c) thus being incapable of accepting the unpleasant reality,

8.       Myself for compromising in areas I should never have,

9.       Myself for spending so much time being  angry,

10.   The church for not offering practical help to issues like this, rather asking me to pray so the spirit of anger is “taken away”.

I am happy:

1.       To have found this article,

2.       To learn that it’s not just me, many people experience this raw emotion called anger,

3.       To learn that the fact that this anger has not “disappeared” after all the prayers and deliverance sessions, does not mean I am severely “possessed” by the devil,

4.       To feel hopeful again,

5.       To learn that is ok to be angry (does NOT mean it’s ok to do evil just because I am angry), it’s okay to grieve, it’s ok to cry, it’s ok not to have forgotten events of the past,

6.       To learn that forgiveness is about MY RESPONSE to things that hurt.  I am in charge here.

I am very hopeful. I feel like I have taken a first step in the right direction. This is the best article I have read in a long time!! Thank you Oprah! Thank you Harriet!

What is in your hand?

Happy New Year! A lot has happened that could have been shared. Each time I wrote a draft, it was deleted, because I did not want to post anything from a place of anger and bitterness. You see, the past months have been what I hope was the worst phase of my marriage.  Many fights, worst Christmas I ever had, let’s not even talk about valentine!

I am thankful that God saw me through all this and that there is still a marriage after all.  So that being said, I am back, happy, and looking forward to a great future.

Lately, I have been pondering on a couple two things…  What my purpose is in this world, and how to make more REAL money. 

Each person has something that could be used to get them closer to their purpose, or to even help them fulfill that purpose.

For Moses, It was bad enough that God tasked him with such a huge responsibility. In Exodus 3 v 19, God compounded the whole thing by saying “But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him.”  Moses was rightfully concerned about how to accomplish the task, and then asked God how he will convince the King.  God replied “What is that in your hand”?  In Exodus 4, we see how God helped Moses fulfill his purpose with what Moses already had in his possession.

So the question today is: What is in my hand? What is in your hand?

Moses had the staff

Nwando has talent, and a pen

Steve has something for cats

Bim has talent too, in something I am equally passionate about.

Sugarbelly is creative and has a sense of humor

Some of us have many things in our hands and struggle to find “the one”. Have you found “the one” how did you find it?

Happy Easter !

Blues.....

Isaiah 40:31  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Is what I am holding on to right now. Sometime I want my old life back. Sometimes this marriage thing works, other times it does not. I feel really sad, and unmotivated. This too shall pass, AMEN.

A New Wife

The party is over, the lights are out, honeymoon’s done, we have returned back to work, the well-wishers have stopped calling, the “Marriage” has just begun, and I am becoming  more aware of this new reality .

I came in with expectations, so  specific that I could rattle them off if you woke me up from sleep. Everything from the daily management of the home to the five year projection of our marriage, I had it all planned out in my head. We talked about it, we agreed on it, we had a plan, or so I thought.

I longed for the “ideal” home they talked about at the numerous marriage seminars I attended before the wedding. The kind I saw growing up where there is mutual understanding, daily devotion and study of the bible, most of all a commitment to make the marriage successful. I thought I was working towards that kind of marriage. I was a believer in “full disclosure” regarding finances, and everything that could impact the other person. We disclosed everything! Left no stone unturned. We prayed. We did everything we thought was right. I thought we had started off on the right foot to make this union successful.

Four months down the line, I realize that a lot of adjustment is needed. The biggest challenge and one I am still grappling with is the idea of “the two becoming one”.  

·         How do I become one with someone who is so liberal financially and in other areas as well? I am super conservative.

·         How do I become one with someone who I feel is not as committed to making this marriage successful?

Recently I started asking myself why I got married. I wanted an amiable fellow to wade through the trials and triumphs of life together. Someone who I could laugh with, bare out my heart to, cry with, make loads of money with, positively impact the lives of people around us with, someone who I was confident in, who was smart enough to navigate this world with, who shared similar values and beliefs.  Most of all, someone who was committed to what we share – This was the bedrock for me.

I thought I was getting this and much more… recent events make me question this. I am holding out hope though that it's just the rough first phase.  This begs me to ask, what was the first couple months of marriage like for you?